you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
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mood
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
15: Geez. You make me never want to have a girlfriend.
Me: Joke’s on you, bud, I make a lot of men decide they don’t want a girlfriend.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh