I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
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i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
What a website
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Doctor *as I wake up after an accident* I’m afraid your body’s in a terrible condition
Me: oh no
Doctor: and then you were in an accident
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”