8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
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Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship
sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me