thankfully, most bananas are boneless
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Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
If I say I love you, don’t read too much into it. I just told this cheesecake that I love it, too.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?