my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
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What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one