[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
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Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*