Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
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villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
I entered my Chihuahua in an “ugliest dog” contest and I won first place!
The dog came third.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.