In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
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Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.
Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*