My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
Every photo I’m tagged in
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
*mops up wine with cat*
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Recommendations needed. My 12 year old hasn’t had a phone for long but he’s somehow managed to smash the screen. Can anyone recommend a reputable place that will replace 12 year olds?
*shrugs*
*swipes right*