Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
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My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
joel is coming over
“eerily quiet joel or joel who alwayes forgets about social events?”
[4 hours of silence]
i…. i dont kno
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.