You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.