Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
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[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
Bike for sale
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
My favorite female superhero
security at the airport getting more straightforward
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Oh my god
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: *closes eyes, furrows brow, clenches jaw*
Cop: Sir?
Me: Quiet, please. I need total concentration to read your mind.
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.