6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
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alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
don’t hate robert altman’s 1992 satirical comedy “the player” hate david fincher’s 1997 psychological thriller “the game”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
“Full House fans have found a 1993 episode of the show called “Be True To Your Preschool”. In it, Loughlin’s Aunt Becky stops Uncle Jesse (John Stamos) from lying to get their toddler twins into an ‘elite preschool'”
AAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHA
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater