If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Rubs Vaseline in his eyes so I match my Instagram filter
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.