“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
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describing stardew valley
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.