I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
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the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
oh u like geography? name every lake
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
HADES: Unleash the hell hound!
CERBERUS: *sipping tea* I told you to ask first if it’s a good time for us.
HADES: Is it a–
CERBERUS: No.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun