“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
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I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Found a free bandaid at the pool.
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
customs agent:
Anything to declare?me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.