Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
wut hotdog?
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.
M:$50 on the ginger with face tattoos
H: Ma’am those aren’t tattoos, they’re freckles and you can’t bet on a 6th grade spelling bee