Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
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Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
My credit score is a family of raccoons hissing over a McRib.
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
The boy is putting whipped cream on the cat. I think he may have overheard a conversation he didn’t understand quite so well.
Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK