NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
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People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
I hate it when I mentally undressing someone and my OCD kicks in and I start folding their clothes.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
Still cracks me up