Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
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I heard you like bad boys?
*jumps in pool after eating without waiting an hour*
Sup.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If she wants to be chased, she better steal my pizza or something
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.