The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
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I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
I falcon love using swear birds
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Just put the vaccine inside donuts, ok.
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
Your password must include 5 minutes of interpretive dance, 15 excerpts from contemporary fiction and 1 word made up by Shakespeare.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?