Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
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“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.