This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
My dog plays tug of war in a ‘keep it, you want it more than me’ fashion.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine