Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor
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Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.