[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
You Might Also Like
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[On WebMD]
I have a sore throat
[Throat cancer]
I wasn’t done, and a stomach ache.
[Cancer]
Couldn’t it be the flu?
[If it wasn’t cancer]
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car