Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
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STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
Looking forward to the day when “having a case of Corona” means you’re going to the beach and not the hospital.
My husband did a load of dishes and folded a load of laundry and then complained that I didn’t even notice and I laughed so hard I almost coughed up a lung.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
him: Hey what’s the name of the guy who lives two houses down?
me: his dogs names are Walter and Rose
him: that’s not what I asked
me: that is the information I have
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
vegan witches, happy halloween!
The sacred texts.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.