In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
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4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.