I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
where do you see yourself in five years?
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.