My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
[first day as diving instructor]
Guy [from the back]: what’s the signal for a shark
Me: sharks don’t really give signals they just show up
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
the word: Mildew
my brain: Mother In Law Dew
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat