“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
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A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.