70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
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Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
(Watching “Dateline” before kids)
“Why the hell would he fake his own death?”(Watching “Dateline” after kids)
*Takes notes*
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
Posting this on behalf of a friend
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this