My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
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*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
inventing words: clothing
There are things I say outloud as a parent that before I had kids I would have never believed needed to be said and “if you don’t actually apply the sunscreen to your body it will not work” is one of those things.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
Shout out to Clifford the Big Red Dog. He coulda eaten those kids a long time ago
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.