Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
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[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay