Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
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Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.