me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
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At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone