“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
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me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
After seeing my share of people’s ultrasound pictures I’m convinced that they just give everyone the same one.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.