Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
You Might Also Like
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
😬
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
I listen to Ed Sheeran in the same way I stuff an entire cupcake in my mouth over the sink hoping no one will see.