Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
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people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
Vodka burrito was a success
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
Just so you know if you have a ‘jump to recipe’ link at the top of your food blog I hope you have a nice day and may all your hopes and dreams come true.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl