Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
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[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.