Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
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Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire