Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
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My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
BOSS: Don’t just stand there.
ME: Bust a move?
BOSS: What?
ME: Nothing, I’ll go make some copies.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.