I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
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“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
Planet of the Apps.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.