I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
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Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
Oops
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[son falls over & hurts himself]
ME: aww poor kid, he needs a little THC
WIFE: don’t you mean TLC?
ME: [huge bong rip] he needs what now?
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’