I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
You Might Also Like
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Just a reminder that nobody knew what was inside Willy Wonka’s factory when the contest happened. So people spent millions trying to find the golden ticket to witness what was most likely a standard assembly line operation.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
Shortcut
He can talk about his favourite Indian flatbread, naan-stop.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
🤣😂🤣
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.