My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
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On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Match dot com, but for socks.
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
Excuse me officer, I have diplomatic immunity.
*Shows International House of Pancakes loyalty card*
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”