I dont know why people are disappointed when they find out a celebrity crush is married.As if that was their only obstacle to being together
You Might Also Like
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Wait a second…