As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
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I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”