Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
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I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?