the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
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Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
My kids, writing negative political ads:
Mommy. She says Maybe but it is always going to be No.
Mommy. She says to eat fruit but she smells of chocolate.
Mommy. She says we don’t say those words but then she watches the news and she says all of them.
Me: *completes lifestyle questionnaire*
Life expectancy app: Well, this is awkward.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.